What other trepidations do you have on the subject? I know you've not asked for my opinion.. however, you simply cannot compare every future liaison to being with Solas.
Is it easier not letting yourself feel something and avoiding it entirely than it is to simply enjoy something for one fleeting moment? Of course it will hurt, but being hurt feels better than feeling nothing..
[ That makes Leilani's eyes dart to him in surprise and a pang of something painful rip through her. She touches her hand to the jawbone and pushes herself up, walking over to the wine. Oh, she needs it, especially now. It hurts and her eyes are a little damp. ]
You're right. At least I'm not being stupid a second time.
[ As soon as it's out of his mouth, he instantly regrets it. The look on her face are painful, and he's a terrible person for giving her the reminder that she didn't need. He can't take them back, so it does little good for apologizing for what he's said, even if it was a bit crass. ]
It wasn't your fault, what he did. [ He rubs the bridge of his nose, trying to salvage something of this conversation. ]
I don't think this constitutes as stupid. Risky, perhaps.. but not stupid.
[ All she can do is shake her head. He's not wrong, that's the problem. Justice won't betray her, she's sure of that - it's in his nature to be good, and kind, and honest, even if it hurts other people, just as Dorian is being with her right now. It doesn't make her heart hurt any less, though, even as she waves off Dorian's words. ]
I trusted a man with no name, no proof of his heritage and too much knowledge for it to be sensible. It was my own fault.
[ She pours herself some wine and just holds it for a moment. ]
Everything I've done over the last four years has been risky. I might as well add my love life to it.
Yes, absolutely and entirely your fault for falling in love with someone who you thought was being genuine with you and throwing your naivety of the situation in your face..
[ While she is too trusting at times, that's not her fault- it's her caring nature. Of course she was led to Solas like a moth to flame. So like her in every fashion and the trappings of ancient knowledge she'd yet to understand. Did she truly need to know his heritage? He knew so much of it then, when no one else did. ]
You can't help who you fall for any more than I can.
It doesn't change the fact that what you said was right, Dorian. Justice isn't going to betray me like Solas did. It's not in his nature.
[ Her fingers circle the glass of wine and she stares at it for a long, drawn out moment before she takes a steeling breath. ]
He's not Solas. I fell in love with a man who told me a dozen times that I should stay away from him. Now I'm doing the opposite, as if that's going to make it better.
[ Dorian stands, though he moves around the bed to give Leilani a bit of space. He can't simply sit there when it feels like his muscles are electrified. ]
If he's so dissimilar to Solas, then why aren't you letting that bastard go? Why do you continue to carry that reminder of how he cast you aside around your neck?
You'll never stop comparing him to Solas if you don't move on. [ It's a conversation they've had before, but it bears repeating. ]
[ The words sting, half because she knows he's right - she needs to move on from Solas and she thought she was doing well in that regard - and half because she's furious with him for speaking to her like this. There's an anger that burns under the surface and she puts the glass down, turning to face him. ]
Do you think it's that easy to forget someone like Solas? You met him! I loved him more than I have loved anything in the world, Dorian. I believed that when the Inquisition was over he and I would be able to live together and be happy.
[ Her eyes are definitely filling with tears now. ]
He was the first person I ever loved and there is nothing I want more than to save Thedas and save him with it, even if I know we will never be together again. How am I supposed to just forget that? Just move on? [ She laughs bitterly. ] He changed everything, Dorian. I am trying, with everything I have. I truly am, but it's not good enough.
[ First things first. She downs the wine in one long drink before she finally turns to look back at Dorian, shaking her head. ]
... I think I need to go. All I am doing is getting angry with you, and - and that isn't fair.
[ Dorian's arms cross over his chest and he shifts where he stands. His jaw sets as he watches her, wanting to console, but knowing better than to interrupt in the moment. She needs to speak, but the more she does, the more he sees how genuinely he upset her.
Guilt sits heavily in his chest, and regret passes over his face.
He's made her cry.
Of course he has- he's told her he's not a very nice man, and he's gone and proven it by shoving her flaws in her face. She's angry with him, and that makes him feel something he hasn't in quite some time. Instead of doing the right thing, he stays where he is with his arms firmly crossed. His voice is quiet, but firm. ]
[ For a long, long moment all Leilani can do is stare at him. Her eyes are wet and she's sure some tears have fallen - she's tired and hurting and she doesn't have the strength to pretend anything else - but she doesn't have the strength to protest.
With Dorian staring at her like this, arms over his chest, head tilted up... She feels hollow, somehow. He's not saying it to be cruel, not saying it to hurt her, really, but it cuts through to her heart and destroys her. Of anyone on the fleet he is the one who knows, better than anyone, how to make her feel as though she's collapsing from the inside out.
Taking a deep breath, she puts on her Inquisitor face (stern, steel, determined, refusing to let any emotion show) before she nods her head. ]
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chiming
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Date: 2018-06-01 07:06 pm (UTC)From:action
Date: 2018-06-01 07:07 pm (UTC)From:[ She gives him a slightly petulant look. ]
action
Date: 2018-06-01 07:11 pm (UTC)From:action
Date: 2018-06-01 07:13 pm (UTC)From:He's a spirit. I doubt he wants the same things I do.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 07:15 pm (UTC)From:Have you discussed these things with him, or merely assumed?
action
Date: 2018-06-01 07:16 pm (UTC)From:[ Frowning, she shakes her head. ]
He's not... He doesn't fall in love, Dorian.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 07:19 pm (UTC)From:If you are unhappy, then by all means, end it. I'd hate to see you be a part of something you were unhappy with.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 07:21 pm (UTC)From:[ Lifting her head, she looks over at Dorian with a small, sad frown. ]
I thought I was going to be able to do it. I thought it would be fine, after Solas, but I was being foolish again.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 08:17 pm (UTC)From:What other trepidations do you have on the subject? I know you've not asked for my opinion.. however, you simply cannot compare every future liaison to being with Solas.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 08:22 pm (UTC)From:[ Her hand lifts and touches the wolf jawbone around her neck. ]
... I'm scared. Isn't it easier to end it now than get closer knowing my heart will break again?
action
Date: 2018-06-01 08:26 pm (UTC)From:action
Date: 2018-06-01 08:33 pm (UTC)From:action
Date: 2018-06-01 08:52 pm (UTC)From:action
Date: 2018-06-01 08:57 pm (UTC)From:You're right. At least I'm not being stupid a second time.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 09:07 pm (UTC)From:It wasn't your fault, what he did. [ He rubs the bridge of his nose, trying to salvage something of this conversation. ]
I don't think this constitutes as stupid. Risky, perhaps.. but not stupid.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 09:11 pm (UTC)From:I trusted a man with no name, no proof of his heritage and too much knowledge for it to be sensible. It was my own fault.
[ She pours herself some wine and just holds it for a moment. ]
Everything I've done over the last four years has been risky. I might as well add my love life to it.
Re: action
Date: 2018-06-01 09:37 pm (UTC)From:[ While she is too trusting at times, that's not her fault- it's her caring nature. Of course she was led to Solas like a moth to flame. So like her in every fashion and the trappings of ancient knowledge she'd yet to understand. Did she truly need to know his heritage? He knew so much of it then, when no one else did. ]
You can't help who you fall for any more than I can.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 09:42 pm (UTC)From:[ Her fingers circle the glass of wine and she stares at it for a long, drawn out moment before she takes a steeling breath. ]
He's not Solas. I fell in love with a man who told me a dozen times that I should stay away from him. Now I'm doing the opposite, as if that's going to make it better.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 10:13 pm (UTC)From:If he's so dissimilar to Solas, then why aren't you letting that bastard go? Why do you continue to carry that reminder of how he cast you aside around your neck?
You'll never stop comparing him to Solas if you don't move on. [ It's a conversation they've had before, but it bears repeating. ]
action
Date: 2018-06-01 10:26 pm (UTC)From:Do you think it's that easy to forget someone like Solas? You met him! I loved him more than I have loved anything in the world, Dorian. I believed that when the Inquisition was over he and I would be able to live together and be happy.
[ Her eyes are definitely filling with tears now. ]
He was the first person I ever loved and there is nothing I want more than to save Thedas and save him with it, even if I know we will never be together again. How am I supposed to just forget that? Just move on? [ She laughs bitterly. ] He changed everything, Dorian. I am trying, with everything I have. I truly am, but it's not good enough.
[ First things first. She downs the wine in one long drink before she finally turns to look back at Dorian, shaking her head. ]
... I think I need to go. All I am doing is getting angry with you, and - and that isn't fair.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 10:58 pm (UTC)From:Guilt sits heavily in his chest, and regret passes over his face.
He's made her cry.
Of course he has- he's told her he's not a very nice man, and he's gone and proven it by shoving her flaws in her face. She's angry with him, and that makes him feel something he hasn't in quite some time. Instead of doing the right thing, he stays where he is with his arms firmly crossed. His voice is quiet, but firm. ]
I think that's a good idea.
action
Date: 2018-06-01 11:11 pm (UTC)From:With Dorian staring at her like this, arms over his chest, head tilted up... She feels hollow, somehow. He's not saying it to be cruel, not saying it to hurt her, really, but it cuts through to her heart and destroys her. Of anyone on the fleet he is the one who knows, better than anyone, how to make her feel as though she's collapsing from the inside out.
Taking a deep breath, she puts on her Inquisitor face (stern, steel, determined, refusing to let any emotion show) before she nods her head. ]
Enjoy your wine.
[ And, turning, she walks out the door. ]