[ His response is cautious, though not insincere. He's being made to face things that he really hasn't had to in a long time and it's uncomfortable and reminds him too much of home, almost like a thinly-veiled accusation. The logical part of his brain knows that's not how Cyril means it, but Tevinter is fucked up. ]
[Cyril is the furthest from judging Dorian for it. If anything, he's pretty pleased at the idea. He cares so much for both of them, the thought they can make each other happy is nice.]
That's good! He's good, I mean. And so are you.
I do have to ask though... He told the entire network that what you two do is 'different' than something casual.
Do you feel the same? Should I... back off?
[Woo. He's so proud his voice didn't crack or didn't have anything else but concern and friendship. No sign of how he feels like his heart is in his throat.
He had told Leilani he would tell Dorian how he felt, but that seems pretty impossible now. At least, him doing it depends on how Dorain responds.]
[ Dorian lets out a weary sigh, trying to sort out an answer. He should be furious with Bull for airing their business to the entire fleet, but he did make some very poignant statements that Dorian hadn't anticipated. ]
It certainly requires a bit more trust..
[ Though Dorian will admit that he gladly hands over that trust when Bull takes the reigns-- or the ropes, as it has been lately. As for whether Cyril should back off.. well. He's not certain. He adores Cyril, but if all of this is stringing him along, then that's not fair to him. He thoroughly enjoys their interludes together, and he's come to see him as a very close friend.
Either way, this is a very shit situation.. ]
It...doesn't feel like anything I've experienced before, I will say that much.
[ So many times, he's been pushed to the side or regarded as something casual, tossed aside and worth little more than a tryst. Certainly no one worthy of a relationship. The way Bull makes him feel intimidates him sometimes, but he's quite like a moth drawn to flame. ]
I want you to be able to experience that, Dorian, without fear of a third party messing it up.
Whatever else I feel for you, you will always be my friend first. And a friend would encourage you to explore whatever it is that is growing between the two of you.
[ Dorian remains silent until Cyril is finished talking, and for a bit longer afterward. He's so thankful to have Cyril, and can't fathom why he's being so understanding in this. Truly, he doesn't deserve it.
He swallows past the lump forming in his throat. ]
I really don't deserve you, you realize. [ In friendship or much else. ] I'm a very selfish man, I've proven this.
[Hearing that legitimately hurts. It's a weird ache that starts in his chest and seems to want to burrow it's way through his entire body. He hadn't expected that being told you were cared for would hurt so badly.
He almost wishes he could have the pain from the anchor back instead.
He'd been so good at hiding any of his own feelings, of just being a friend, of being happy for two people he loves - in his own weird, stilted kind of way.
But hearing that from Dorian just feels like an open wound.]
And I you.
[And he can't stop his voice from sounding very small to his ears.
[ He's about to tell Cyril that his friendship means more to him than he can really express- that he was right in giving the sending crystal to him, but then Cyril speaks those three little words that feel like a punch to the gut.
There's no mistaking the tone, and immediately, Dorian is remorseful. In the moment, it feels as if there's no mending things, that he really has ruined the one thing that means the most to him. It stops him in his tracks, and the only thing that Dorian can manage to get out is ]
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chiming
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 09:12 pm (UTC)From:Sometimes, yes.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 09:44 pm (UTC)From:That's good! He's good, I mean. And so are you.
I do have to ask though... He told the entire network that what you two do is 'different' than something casual.
Do you feel the same? Should I... back off?
[Woo. He's so proud his voice didn't crack or didn't have anything else but concern and friendship. No sign of how he feels like his heart is in his throat.
He had told Leilani he would tell Dorian how he felt, but that seems pretty impossible now. At least, him doing it depends on how Dorain responds.]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:03 pm (UTC)From:It certainly requires a bit more trust..
[ Though Dorian will admit that he gladly hands over that trust when Bull takes the reigns-- or the ropes, as it has been lately. As for whether Cyril should back off.. well. He's not certain. He adores Cyril, but if all of this is stringing him along, then that's not fair to him. He thoroughly enjoys their interludes together, and he's come to see him as a very close friend.
Either way, this is a very shit situation.. ]
It...doesn't feel like anything I've experienced before, I will say that much.
[ So many times, he's been pushed to the side or regarded as something casual, tossed aside and worth little more than a tryst. Certainly no one worthy of a relationship. The way Bull makes him feel intimidates him sometimes, but he's quite like a moth drawn to flame. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:08 pm (UTC)From:Back off, I mean.
I want you to be able to experience that, Dorian, without fear of a third party messing it up.
Whatever else I feel for you, you will always be my friend first. And a friend would encourage you to explore whatever it is that is growing between the two of you.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:18 pm (UTC)From:He swallows past the lump forming in his throat. ]
I really don't deserve you, you realize. [ In friendship or much else. ] I'm a very selfish man, I've proven this.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:20 pm (UTC)From:I only think the world of you, so I'll have to disagree.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:22 pm (UTC)From:Says the selfless man who saved Thedas and continues to do so..
[ How do you accept genuine compliments???? Cannot relate. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:27 pm (UTC)From:And that means I should do what I can to ensure my friends enjoy their time here. Who knows how much any of us have left back there.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:33 pm (UTC)From:[ The joke seems superficial, and he goes quiet again. ]
You realize I care for you a great deal, yes?
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:41 pm (UTC)From:He almost wishes he could have the pain from the anchor back instead.
He'd been so good at hiding any of his own feelings, of just being a friend, of being happy for two people he loves - in his own weird, stilted kind of way.
But hearing that from Dorian just feels like an open wound.]
And I you.
[And he can't stop his voice from sounding very small to his ears.
He hates the way it sounds.]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:50 pm (UTC)From:There's no mistaking the tone, and immediately, Dorian is remorseful. In the moment, it feels as if there's no mending things, that he really has ruined the one thing that means the most to him. It stops him in his tracks, and the only thing that Dorian can manage to get out is ]
My apologies..
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:51 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 10:54 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 11:10 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 11:13 pm (UTC)From:I've not exactly been kind to your feelings. A better friend would have, I don't know, asked? Or.. mentioned it somewhere between the sex.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-27 11:39 pm (UTC)From:Believe me, my friend. Of the two of us, you've been much kinder to my feelings.
I promise. You've nothing to apologize for.
I'm the one who... [He cuts himself off, though, not really sure that he has the ability to complete that thought.]
no subject
Date: 2018-09-28 12:30 am (UTC)From:[ They could have this conversation going on loop until they were blue in the face, but Dorian changes the subject. ]
I don't regret what we had, in any case.. and I hope my selfishness hasn't cost me your friendship?
no subject
Date: 2018-09-28 12:32 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-09-28 12:38 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-09-28 12:45 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-09-28 03:05 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-09-29 03:19 am (UTC)From:I should probably let you go now, though. I simply wanted to contact you and discuss this before it grew to be even more awkward.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-01 01:19 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2018-10-01 01:24 am (UTC)From:[He doesn't feel honest. He feels like he's hiding from his emotions once again, lying by pretending everything is fine.]
But I suppose there is always a first time for everything and you do have the habit of trying to stand out.